Review: Granatelli Beef Jerky Tested

Meat is food. As humans, we are born with point focusing eyes, canines to tear apart meat, and knuckles to punch stuff. We created fire for two purposes – to keep warm and to cook meat. While eating meat raw is ten folds more manly than eating cooked meat, fire has led to the smokey flavor that adds to our meat. I don’t take vitamins. I eat steaks.

My girlfriend has recently gone on a ‘good foods’ and ‘exercise’ in her quest to live a ‘healthy lifestyle.’ More often than not, I see her eating bird food (banana chips, dried fruits, nuts, ect) and reading packages to view the fat and calorie content. I’m 100% not supporting this way of living. In fact, to counteract the amount of animals she isn’t eating, I’ve taken it upon myself to pick up the slack as to keep a balance in the circle of life.

Frozen Yogurt? Not manly. Here’s a list of foods that can be considered “gay.”
Note: By describing foods as “gay,” I don’t actually mean they ‘do’ other gay foods. They’re gay in such a way that a fanny pack is.
Note: Ice cream is not gay. It’s about as manly as mustaches, biceps, and cutting down trees – extremely manly.

  • Quiche
  • Smoothies
  • Crème brûlée
  • Boba
  • Parfaits
  • Salads (unless it is made of potato or eggs)
  • Tofu
  • Burgers made of tofu, vegetables, ect.
  • Frappachinos
  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade and Smirnoff Ices

You get the idea, I hope. If I ever see a guy with a Smirnoff Ice in his hand anywhere other than in the arms of another man, I will slap it out of his hand and tell him he’s wrong. I have no problem with the gays, but don’t be so gay (the fanny-pack type).

Anyway, I hear cows contribute to 1/3 or 2/3 of greenhouse gasses. I’d like to keep that number down so I can keep my car legally on the streets of California. This whole ‘healthy’ eating faze can be considered an epidemic with so many people ‘turning’ in to vegans, vegetarians, and the like. While increasing the capacity and numbers of the cows which might ultimately dominate mankind, it is also decreasing the amount of emissions I can put in to our atmosphere. Double-whammy.

So you ask yourself, what can I do to help keep these dangers minimal? Easy; preventive maintenance. Eat more cows. Increase your stomach and body capacity for cow meat. Then, increase the volume you can consume by taking out the crap from the meat that isn’t meat – water. Dehydrate the meat so that you can eat more of it. Then, add flavors and salt the son-of-a-bitch and consume. Recently, we had the pleasure to be the taste testing crew for Granatelli Motorsports brand Beef Jerky.

The display does not disappoint. The package has a Z06 Corvette doing a burnout on the front, and a big Dodge truck going over mountains underneath it. Dry packaged and air suctioned, the jerky doesn’t come pre-chewed for you. It comes in a big strip for biting and tearing pleasure. Black peppered and smoked, GMS Jerky is so manly it comes in tire tread print – I think.

A Quick Rundown

“What started out as a simple give away at a trade show has turned into a real love affair with GMS black pepper beef jerky. Based on the demand and continued requests, we are happy to now offer it for sale. There is a reason they call it the best BJ in California.” – Granatelli

• Black Pepper Beef
• Natural Smoke Flavoring Added
• No Preservatives
• High Protein
• All Natural
• Low Fat
• U.S. Inspected and passed by Department of Agriculture
• 1oz package
• Really like it? Get 10 packs for $18!

Not only does the beef jerky deliver, it comes in the manliest varieties of meat – beef, turkey, buffalo (kind of like an angry hairy cow), venison, and ostrich (the biggest of the bird family).

Here are the results:

Bobby Kimborough

“On my drive to San Diego I had a chance to think through a lot of things. One of the items that crossed my mind was the Granatelli Jerky thing that you mentioned on Tuesday. My thought is this:

Mr. Granatelli’s Jerky is not for everyone. Not in large quantities anyway. This Jerky is designed to be the perfect high performance snack for the guy that spends lots of time laying on cardboard on concrete, working on his machine. Mechanics have to contort their bodies in all manner of ways just to get things put together. Many times I have found myself, upside down, under the dash working on something. Seems to me that Mr. Granatelli’s Jerky is the snack food that will stay down when you’re upside down. And it’s still a manly treat. No tofu here. I’ve never seen tofu jerky. Turkey Jerky…..ugh! BEEF Jerky. That’s what a man wants.

Leave the bean sprouts, tofu, turkey jerky and tube steak to the leaf licking bunny huggers in San Francisco. High Performance manly men want the beef jerky. That’s my thoughts on Mr. Granatelli’s Jerky. I give it the “He-man woman hater’s seal of approval.”

Mark Gearheart

“Some of the tastiest jerky out there. It boasts an orgasm of flavor heavy persuaded by the black pepper that is deliciously laced on the paper thin meat.”

Jeff L. Garrison
“The jerkey is actually pretty good I went for the peppered jerk and I killed the whole slab ‘it’s magically delicious!'”

Melissa Lawrence
“It has a good taste but I felt it was too thin, dry and hard. Needs to be a little thicker and more moist.”

Lloyd Hunt

“I don’t know, can’t recall ever having it. If someone is willing to give me a case or two, I might be able to savor it. But I am sure one little pack is not enough for me to even be able to experience the mind blowing experience that is Granatelli Jerky. I also understand it will help you do your dishes, tie your shoes, drive you to work, do your shopping and even help you raise your kids!”

Yours Truly – Jon Nguyen

There is nothing manlier than taking meat, drying it, then salting it. Nothing. Jerky, in essence, is taking a steak and making it portable. I love that my woman carries a purse because when I have stuff I don’t want to hold, I just hand it over to her. When I’m wearing a backpack and she asks me to carry things, I tell her I can’t because I’ve filled it up with beef jerky and jalapeno nachos.

GMS jerky does the job on manly jerky. It isn’t sweet. It’s salty and pepper infused with a very manly aftertaste that is somewhat hard to describe. I’d compare it to the taste of a fine cigar that leaves a trace of oak on your lips. GMS beef jerky almost leaves a car-like taste to it after it has been swallowed (this might take awhile). I don’t know what it is exactly, but it has the reminiscence of oil, but not in a bad way. I agree with Bobby on the fact that it is a car jerky. I imagine myself turning wrenches while chewing on GMS meat.

Just the same, I can also imagine myself cutting down trees in the forest with jerky in my mouth. The chew is very lasting, yet each bite brings out more juice. It is a fine and manly jerky. To top it off, it doesn’t have the crap you find in other dehydrated meats. No corn syrup, hydroflaxationite (and all the other –ites, -ions, -zons, ect), or other garbage. The ingredients for the beef jerky are as follows: Beef (top round), soy sauce, water, pineapple juice, liquid smoke, black pepper, and garlic powder. Nothing else.

About the author

James Lawrence

James started working on a Nostalgia Top Fuel drag racing team in 1992, and the rest has been history. A life-long automotive enthusiast, James is in fierce competition to see whether he can collect more cars or cats. Right now, the cars are winning. James co-founded the NMRA and NMCA Drag Racing Series in 1998 and continues to be an avid and passionate fan on everything 1320. He also thinks he can drive. Thinks, is the key word.
Read My Articles

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